


The list

by Ahsokasupremacy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Gets a Hug, Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Ahsoka Tano-centric, Angst, CT-7567 | Rex is a Good Bro, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, anakin is a good dad/big brother, snips and skyguy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29684292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahsokasupremacy/pseuds/Ahsokasupremacy
Summary: And now she had to suffer the consequences. Because after what she did, she doesn't deserve anything good happening to her ever again.Axe. Slammer. Kickback. Tucker. Swoop. She vows to never forget their names.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, CT-7567 | Rex & Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	The list

**Author's Note:**

> So I was rewatching the Ryloth arc the other day and it made me feel things. Season 1 is so underrated!
> 
> Anyway, here's this short and angsty fic I needed to get out of my system.

They had trusted her and she had broken that trust. She hadn't listened and because of her, they were dead. They were _dead_. She had killed them.

Ahsoka feels numb for the longest time after the incident. Her body still works perfectly; she eats, sleeps, fights, like an automat controlled by their programming. But the movements don't feel like hers and she doesn't feel like herself. She doesn't feel at all.

Something inside her is broken, she knows. She thinks it might be beyond repair. She sees Rex giving her worried glances when he doesn't think she's looking. Sees Master Obi-Wan's deep concern rooted in the lines of his face. Sees Anakin's despair in his eyes at her lack of reactions. But she can't bring herself to feel again, not even for him.

And then, without warning, she breaks down. She breaks down so completely and utterly that for a moment, she doesn’t think she'll recover. All her emotions come back at once and it's all too much. She wails and howls, begging for the pain to leave her body. But it doesn't.

Axe. Slammer. Kickback. Tucker. Swoop. She had killed them. They would never joke around with their brothers again, never spar with each other or find comfort in their brothers' arms at night. She had taken those things away from them. And for what? To prove to them, to prove to Anakin that she could be a good leader and complete the mission? Well, she had failed spectacularly on both counts.

And now she had to suffer the consequences. Because after what she did, she doesn't deserve anything good happening to her ever again.

Axe. Slammer. Kickback. Tucker. Swoop. She vows to never forget their names.

The war goes on and with every new mission, she adds names to her list. It grows faster than bearable and Ahsoka breaks down time and time again.

"Axe, Slammer, Kickback, Tucker, Swoop, Checkmate, Midnight, Prink, Drim…," she repeats over and over, barely able to breathe through her wretched sobs.

Rex finds her once, completely curled over herself and hyperventilating, reciting the endless list.

"Co-commander… are you all right sir?" he asks.

She freezes. "Oh, sorry Rex. I didn't hear you come in," she sniffles quietly as she tries to recover.

"No, no, it's all right sir. I shouldn't have invaded your privacy."

She gives him what she hopes is a smile. "Don't worry. It's not like I was in a particularly private place," she says, vaguely gesturing towards the corridor where she had broken down.

"Were those the names of -

"Yes."

Rex doesn't look surprised but his eyes are full of sorrow. For them or for her, she doesn't really know.

"You know we don't blame you, right?"

"Well, maybe you should," she snaps, regretting her short tone immediately. Rex didn't deserve to be the target of her anger. Her hatred was directed at herself and no one else, especially not someone who had had her back since day one.

Rex, though, looks unfazed. "If anyone is to blame, it's the Jedi. They shouldn't be sending children to war in the first place," he responds, a slight edge to his tone.

And while Ahsoka doesn't entirely disagree, this doesn't excuse her actions in any way. So she says nothing.

"Hey, kid," he starts again, his voice softer, "can I say the names with you? I don't want to forget them either."

She's not sure if he's doing this to try to comfort her or if he's genuinely trying to celebrate his brothers' memories. Knowing him, she guesses it's probably a bit of both. But she appreciates the gesture anyway and so together they speak their names, almost like a chant echoing through time and space.

It helps for a bit.

But as the list get heavier, so do her guilt and pain. And for all that he's willing, there's not much Rex can do. So she bears the pain as best as she can, believing she's condemned to a life of suffering.

It doesn't matter though. If they suffered, then it's only right that she should.

Anakin is awoken by a terrible feeling of despair, the pain so visceral it knocks the breath out of him. He knows it's not his though and doesn't take any time to think before leaping out of his bed and running towards his Padawan's room. She's projecting worse than usual which means her shields must have crumbled under the weight of her pain.

He finds her thrashing in her bed, moving like she's possessed. She's still asleep but she's talking, names coming out of her mouth, voice hoarse and lips trembling. He knows exactly who the names belong to.

"Oh, Ahsoka…"

Not knowing what else to do, he gently shakes her shoulders, whispering to her that she's okay, it's just a nightmare, she should wake up now. He feels her consciousness slowly come back but her thrashing doesn't stop. So Anakin tenderly draws her small body into his arms. She collapses against his chest, clinging to his robes and as she falls apart, violently sobbing, he holds her close.

It takes a while before she starts to calm down, her body slowly relaxing into his grip. And then, she's speaking again, consciously this time.

"I can't forget them. Ever. It's like they're haunting me," she whispers into his robes.

He slightly pulls her away from him so he can look at her. It suddenly hits him how small she seems right now. He hates how the innocence so present in her eyes when he first met has slowly faded away to give place to a hardness that shouldn't be there.

"I understand Ahsoka, I really do. And I'm not asking you to forget. But you can't keep doing this to yourself or you're going to end up losing yourself in the process."

"Who cares?" she spits back at him harshly. "Maybe I deserve it."

"No, you don't," he continues calmly. "And I care. Maybe you want to lose yourself but I don't want to lose you. I _can't_ lose you," he finishes, bits of desperation coming out of him uncontrollably.

She bites her lower lip, still refusing to meet his gaze.

"You might not want to forget, Snips, but you need to forgive yourself. Please."

She finally looks up at him. "I don't know how to," she admits in a small voice.

"It's okay, I'll be here to help you every step of the way. Just don't hide things like this from me, okay?"

"Okay," she says, her lips twitching into a slight smile.

He can tell she's not there yet, that it'll take some time, but it's a start. He starts getting up to leave when she suddenly tugs at his robes, her entire presence in the Force screaming nervousness.

"Can you please stay for the night?" she asks timidly. "Maybe you can help fight off the nightmares."

And really, how can he say no to that? How can he ever deny her anything?

So he stays.

And as Anakin drapes an arm around her protectively, he vows to do everything in his power to save the last bit of her childhood.

This time, she doesn't have any nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> "You need to forgive yourself" says the guy who never does...
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day!


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